The film starts off in a diner with Caranos character Mallory, and Tatums character Aaron talking about stuff, they're partners in their Black Ops business. They're talking and he's all like "Get in the car" and shes all like "No" then in an epic LOL moment he throws coffee in her face and breaks the mug over her head, before trying to shoot her.
Then she kicks his ass and breaks his arm.
In that order.
Carano then hijacks a car with the owner of the car, and makes him clean her wound from the fight. She starts for some reason telling the guy everything about the last week of her life and stuff about her being a black ops agent.
The movie then goes into a flash back and the story starts to unfold.
There's a lot of double crossing, something to do with an Asian journalist and Michael Douglas shows up, he's like the head of the CIA or something.
Carano beats up some cops in England that are after because she killed some other agent guy that was trying to set her up, then other stuff happened, she gets away from the cops by stealing a hoodie from an open car and starts limping like shes drunk, and that's her disguise.
A green hoodie and a limp.
Then shes back in the United States.
Some where around that part of the movie, we find out that Carano was a Marine.
We could have used a WM like her in the Stumps, Jar-head frans, am I right?
Moving On.
There's a brief car chase scene where Carano is trying to avoid the police and shes driving down a snowy dirt road in a Lancer with they guy that shes telling the story to. Just as they're about to get away, a fucking deer comes out of no where and goes through the rear window of the car and they lose control.
I about shit my pants from laughing so hard.
Bill Paxon is in the movie too, and hes got a creepy pedo mustache and is Caranos dad, who helps her out.
Well she goes to her dads place in New Mexico and Obi Wan, Slow Adult and some other guys are there to rough up her dad and get info on her whereabouts, well they find out shes in the house in a classic "THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE." moment.
Obi Wan shoots Slow Adult, I cant remember for what, I think he realized that they were setting up Carano, and Slow Adult was like "NO SHES MY FRAN" or some stupid crap, even though he tried to kill her in the beginning of the movie. Stick to your convictions Slow Adult. Obi caps Slow Adult in the gut. Carano kicks the other guys ass, then Obi Wan runs off.
I forgot to mention that Obi Wan has a pretty cool haircut in the movie too.
Carano comes back to Slow Adult and he says hes sorry for trying to kill her. Then he dies in her arms.
Its all very moving.
Carano then meets with Michael Douglas, who by the way, might I add, is looking pretty healthy considering he is nearing a melinia of existence. So Wall-street tells Carano that Obi Wan is on some beach in Europe.
Carano finds Obi Wan and they fight on the beach, she's got cornrows.
Obi starts running off again and gets his leg stuck in rocks on the beach, Carano tells him that the tide is coming in and all of a sudden Obi starts spilling guts and tells her where Desperado is, who was in on setting her up. She leaves Obi there to die, and return his spirit to The Force.
Carano finds Desperado on vacation in Majorca, she still has cornrows.
The film ends with a presumed confrontation between Desperado and Carano in his beach house and hes all like "Shit".
Then credits roll.
Seriously, thats how it ends.
Its a very contrived movie and they made it more complicated than it needed to be. You reading this without having seen the film is easier to understand.
On a Steven Soderbergh movie scale, I'd say its way better than The Girlfriend Experience but much Worse than Oceans 11.
Put them back on Gina, I'm not in the mood.
-F.C.
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